June 8, 2013

The Mistake

I sat at the edge of the mattress, staring at the clock. It's 4 am. She got off work at 10. I sat there staring at the clock and can't process what is happening. I called her phone again. Straight to voice mail. I vented my frustration into the phone and hung up. For the tenth time tonight. I wandered back outside to the front walkway and lit a cigarette. 

She's getting high. That must be it, she wouldn't cheat on me. Not my baby. It must be those evil drugs. I wandered around the apartment, dreading that the actual baby was going to wake up soon. No sleep at all the night before and a two year old. Thanks. Yet another reason to call and allow myself to vent on the voice mail that would never be checked. 

The first day went by and I'm a goddamn basket case. Worried sick because I loved her, pissed that she just bombed out and anxious because I had no idea how to be a single parent if she didn't come back. I fell apart. But there was the baby. I offloaded her onto relatives as much as I could and just sat by myself and sulked. Always watching the phone or the clock or the clock on the phone. 

The second day was worse. She called in the morning. It was horrible. She lied and told me she'd be home in the afternoon. We argued, she insulted my manhood and i called her a crack whore. My parents came over for a bit, to show support. They took me to the store. I ended up puking in a bathroom stall. I said something stupid about buying her flowers and my mom almost slapped the hell out of me. We went back to the apartment. Around 10 pm or so it became clear she wasn't coming back and I received a call from a friend who saw her that day. They inform me of what she had been doing. It gave me something to focus on the rest of the night and morning.

The next day went by as badly as the others, a buddy got me out for a minute, smoked me out. I get him to drive through the area she was seen in, looking for her car. I don't see anything but there's a house that nags at me, why I don't know. I think she might be there.

The next day. I finally got an hour of sleep for the first time in over 36 hours. I woke up at 5 am when I thought I heard a key in the lock. I did. For the apartment next door. The baby got up around 7, I got her dressed and we walked 2 miles to my parents. I left her there and took their van back to my apartment. I stopped and bought a bag of weed on the way. I felt it was warranted. I got home and called some assistance programs and finally got to talk to someone. The phone went dead. Fuck. Forgot the shut off was today. She was supposed to pay it but apparently didn't. I took a shower and since the Internet still worked I started getting numbers for lawyers. Figuring they would probably be useful very soon.I made my way back to my parents and as I walked in the door I heard my mom say "He just walked in, hold on." and I knew. I answered and get a sad story. None was needed.

I went to pick her up and of course she's standing in front of the house from the day before. She wore clothes I'd never seen before. A light skirt and thin top. When she hugged me she reeked of sex. I ignore it. As I pulled away I saw powder on the rim of her nostril. I ignored it. We drove back to our apartment in silence.


Sometimes you have to do things
that you don't want to
for the greater good
isn't that what they tell us
all our lives as they pretend
to have never made that choice themselves


Crimes of passion
There's truth in that
We burned bright
We burned hot
We fucked
We fought
You lied
I raged
You schemed
I caved
You went too far
I snapped your neck

The Words

Writing feels good. It's been so long. I thought she had left me. I thought she was tired of coming second or third, even fourth. But here she is, there when I'm at my lowest and most Uncertain. She's patiently waited on the sidelines while my focus was elsewhere. It's different this time but her caress is still gentle and familiar. My first true love.


I feel something in my gut
It doesn't burn bright like buk said
It smolders and hurts
Like an internal affliction
Ugly paranoia fueled by emotional pain
The quantity backed up the system
The poison spread throughout
The vein became clogged
I open the vein again
And watch it all drain
On the page


Trading one for the other
I know how these things end
A lifetime of dealing with it
From friends to lovers
I'm exhausted but forward I go
Repeating the same mistakes


What is she trying to do?
Is there anything there?
Do I want her?
Does she want me?
Should I bother?
Is it smart?
When have I ever been smart?
What the fuck am I doing?
What is she doing?
Why hasn't she called?
Did I miss my chance?
Did I even want it?