June 8, 2013

The Mistake



I sit at the edge of the mattress, staring at the clock. It's 4 am. She got off work at 10. I sit there staring at the clock and can't process what is happening. I call her phone again. Straight to voice mail. I vent my frustration into the phone and hang up. For the tenth time tonight. I wander back outside to the front walkway and light a cigarette. 

She's getting high. That must be it, she wouldn't cheat on me. Not my baby. It must be those evil drugs. I wander around the apartment, dreading that the actual baby was going to wake up soon. No sleep at all the night before and a two year old. Thanks. Yet another reason to call and allow myself to vent on the voice mail that would never be checked. 

The first day goes by and I'm a goddamn basket case. Worried sick because I love her, pissed that she just bombed out and anxious because I have no idea how to be a single parent if she doesn't come back. I fell apart. But there was the baby. I offloaded her onto relatives as much as I could and just sat by myself and sulked. Always watching the phone or the clock or the clock on the phone. 

The second day was worse. She calls in the morning. Its horrible. She lies and tells me she'll be home in the afternoon. We argue, she insults my manhood and i call her a crack whore. My parents came over for a bit, to show support. They take me to the store. I end up puking in a bathroom stall. I say something stupid about buying her flowers and my mom almost slaps the hell out of me. We go back to the apartment. Around 10 pm or so it's clear she isn't coming back and I receive a call from a friend who saw her that day. They inform me of what she's doing. It gives me something to focus on the rest of the night and morning.

The next day goes by as badly as the others, a buddy gets me out for a minute, smokes me out. I get him to drive through the area she was seen in, looking for her car. I don't see anything but there's a house that nags at me, why I don't know. I think she might be there.

The next day. I finally get an hour of sleep for the first time in over 36 hours. I wake up at 5 am when I think I hear a key in the lock. I did. For the apartment next door. The baby gets up around 7, I get her dressed and we walk 2 miles to my parents. I leave her there and take their van back to my apartment. I stop and buy a bag of weed on the way. I feel it was warranted. I get home and call some assistance programs and finally get to talk to someone. The phone goes dead. Fuck. Forgot the shut off was today. She was supposed to pay it but apparently didn't. I take a shower and since the Internet still works I start getting numbers for lawyers. Probably going to be useful very soon.I make my way back to my parents and as I walk in the door I hear my mom say "He just walked in, hold on." and I know. I answer and get a sad story. None was needed.

I go to pick her up and of course she's standing in front of the house from the day before. She's wearing clothes I've never seen before. A light skirt and thin top. When she hugs me she reeks of sex. I ignore it. As I pull away I see powder on the rim of her nostril. I ignore it. We drive back to our apartment in silence.

Hypocrisy

Sometimes you have to do things
that you don't want to
for the greater good
isn't that what they tell us
all our lives as they pretend
to have never made that choice themselves

Karma



Crimes of passion
There's truth in that
We burned bright
We burned hot
We fucked
We fought
You lied
I raged
You schemed
I caved
You went too far
I snapped your neck

The Words



Writing feels good. It's been so long. I thought she had left me. I thought she was tired of coming second or third, even fourth. But here she is, there when I'm at my lowest and most Uncertain. She's patiently waited on the sidelines while my focus was elsewhere. It's different this time but her caress is still gentle and familiar. My first true love.

Smolder



I feel something in my gut
It doesn't burn bright like buk said
It smolders and hurts
Like an internal affliction
Ugly paranoia fueled by emotional pain
The quantity backed up the system
The poison spread throughout
The vein became clogged
I open the vein again
And watch it all drain
On the page

Trade



Trading one for the other
I know how these things end
A lifetime of dealing with it
From friends to lovers
I'm exhausted but forward I go
Repeating the same mistakes

Questions



What is she trying to do?
Is there anything there?
Do I want her?
Does she want me?
Should I bother?
Is it smart?
When have I ever been smart?
What the fuck am I doing?
What is she doing?
Why hasn't she called?
Did I miss my chance?
Did I even want it?